I’m Not Sober. 4 Years Later.
By Simon Poulin, CEO & Co-Founder Upside Drinks
Four years ago, I stopped drinking. January 17th, 2022.
I still have the Post it note I stuck in my closet to remember that date.
What started as a Dry January turned into something I never planned. I wrote about it after one year. Then again after two. Each time, I was trying to understand what was happening to me and who I was becoming.
Today, I want to be clear.
I’m not sober.
And I’m okay with that.
The label helped. Until it didn’t.
At the beginning, sobriety gave me structure. It gave me something to hold onto when everything felt new and uncomfortable. It helped me say no when it mattered and stay consistent when motivation faded.
But over time, the label started to carry weight. Expectations. From others and from myself.
I was no longer just changing my relationship with alcohol. I was starting to protect an identity.
And the moment an identity needs protecting, it stops being honest.
The pressure nobody talks about
When you say publicly that you are sober, people watch. Sometimes with support. Sometimes with curiosity. Sometimes with judgment disguised as care.
“I got you Simon. I’m watching you.”
Yes, it sounds mundane. Almost like a joke. No bad intentions. I laughed it off in the moment.
But it stayed with me.
Not in a dramatic way. More like a quiet itch. I would catch myself replaying it sometimes. In the car. In the shower.
And I hated that feeling.
That sentence changed something for me. Not because I wanted to drink. But because I did not want to feel monitored in my own life.
That is when I realized something important. A healthy relationship with alcohol should not require validation or surveillance.
What actually changed
The real change had nothing to do with alcohol itself.
I no longer drink for the feeling. I do not drink to escape stress, numb emotions, or disconnect. That work did not come from removing alcohol alone. It came from asking myself hard questions.
Today, when I drink, it is intentional. It is not planned. It does not come from habit or pressure.
It might happen once in a while. Sometimes once a month. Sometimes more. Sometimes not at all.
What matters to me is not how often it happens, but why.
And most of the time, it does not happen.
Mindful drinking is not a loophole
Mindful drinking is not about bending rules or justifying habits. It is about awareness.
There is no rulebook. No finish line. You have to listen to yourself and accept that the answer might change over time.
For me, mindful drinking means choosing clarity over numbness. Progress over perfection.
My journey is not yours
One of the biggest lessons of the last four years is that there is no universal path.
Some people need full abstinence. Some need boundaries. Some need a pause. Some need support before anything else.
I have seen how small changes can lead to real shifts. One honest conversation. One non alcoholic drink. One decision made without pressure.
Where I stand today
People still ask me if I will ever drink again. My answer has not changed.
I do not know.
Right now, this lifestyle gives me more than it takes. I feel clearer. More present. More aligned. That is enough for me.
If you see me one day with a drink in hand, it will not mean I failed. It will mean I am still listening to myself. We could even cheer to that.
And that is what this journey has always been about.
SP.
Thanks for sharing your story, Simon. It is important to understand that the decision to drink or not drink is personal. For some, it has to be an all or nothing proposition. For some it’s about harm reduction and moderation. I respect all of it. I think the problem with the label “sober” is that many drinkers see one’s decision not to drink, either in the moment or as life-long project, as a judgement of themselves: a common, and regrettable, response. This may be expressed in behaviours like hassling the non-drinker, or looking for them to “stray from the path,” so they can say, “See, you’re not so perfect,” to help them feel better about themselves.
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Upside Drinks replied:
You explained that really well. The pressure and projection you’re describing is real, and a lot of people quietly experience it without having the words for it. Your perspective adds a lot of nuance to the conversation. Thank you for taking the time to share it.
Simon, merci pour votre commentaire franc et honnête. J’ai eu un cheminement similaire. J’ai débuté en 2020 alors que tout le monde buvait plus dans mon quartier, pandémie oblige. Mais aux Fêtes, j’étais revenu à la “normale”. En 2021, j’ai fait le 30 jours sans alcool en janvier et ma relation avec “ma blonde” (l’alcool!) de l’époque a changé. On a vraiment “cassé”. Pendant des mois, je n’ai pas voulu revoir mon ex, ça me rappelait trop de bons et de mauvais souvenirs. Soyons honnête, j’ai eu de très belles années avec mon ex : on a ri, on a fait des conneries, on a vu le soleil se lever… mais j’ai eu avec le temps le mal à l’âme parce que je ne m’occupais pas de moi. Je m’étais oublié. 4 ans plus tard, moi aussi, je prends à l’occasion un verre ou un demi-verre (il existe maintenant des mini-cocktails!), toujours consciemment. Dans mon cas, pour fréquenter à nouveau l’alcool, je dois être avec des amis (ne plus boire seul), l’alcool doit être d’une qualité irréprochable, et ça doit être spontané. Comme je n’aime plus l’effet, je m’arrête après 1 verre. Je peux me compter chanceux. Alors peu importe le chemin de chacune et chacun, l’important est de s’aimer, de ne pas s’enfermer dans un autre dogme, de le faire pour les bonnes raisons et d’écouter son coeur. Bon succès!
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Upside Drinks replied:
Merci d’avoir partagé ça. Ton parcours est super lucide et honnête. Le plus important c’est exactement ça, s’écouter et faire les choses consciemment, à son rythme. Un grand respect pour le chemin que t’as fait. Bravo et bon succès à toi aussi!
It always helps to get a fresh perspective on an “old problem” – thanks for sharinf your thoughts as they are appreciated.
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Upside Drinks replied:
Thank you, appreciate it!
I used to love my red (alcoholized) wine. Had it with dinner pretty much every night. Then I got COVID…then Long COVID. Something crazy happened. A sip of wine was like a horrid, fizzy, disgusting tasting experience. COVID did that to me. Best thing that happened? Discovering upside drinks. Now dinner was still that pleasant experience I had grown used to. When you like wine with your dinner, there just isn’t a good substitute at all. Of course de-alcoholized or non-alcolholic wines aren’t an exact substitute, but they are the best possible substitute, for sure!!
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Upside Drinks replied:
That’s honestly such a crazy story. Losing that taste overnight must’ve been a shock, especially when wine was part of your daily routine. I’m really happy you found a new way to keep that dinner ritual alive. Thank you for sharing this, it means a lot.
I absolutely love the words and feel it is exactly how I feel and have lived for a few years now. I feel authentic now , almost freeing me to feel completely comfortable in my own skin and decisions I choose to make .
Thank you !
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Upside Drinks replied:
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Upside Drinks replied:
Love reading this Kathy! That sense of being fully aligned with yourself is hard to describe until you actually live it. When you stop fighting your own decisions and start trusting them, everything feels calmer and more honest. Thank you for sharing that with me, it means a lot.
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